To sleep, perchance to dream

Sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm obsessed with sleep and my lack thereof. Lilli's night time schedule is erratic! Every night is different. Some nights she will awaken for her twice nightly feeds and quietly drift back to sleep. Other nights she'll awaken and grumble and cry for a couple of hours before returning to sleep. Some nights are just fitful from the start. And on other occasions she's up for the day at 5. I'm actually feeling pretty good for surviving on 5-6 hours of sleep a night, and that's not consolidated sleep hours. However on the positive side, Lilli has fallen asleep in her crib twice this week, thanks to some perseverance and the help of a plastic aquarium with swimming fish, bubbles, flashing lights and soothing (monotonous) music. However it was wrenching listening to her angry cries and watching her little upset face for half an hour. However, her cries never escalated into those really wretched sobs. These were irritated cries. She was annoyed with me for changing the routine and irritated that she couldn't fall asleep. I could almost hear her saying,

"Mummy, where are you?"

"I need you to hold and cuddle me"

"I want to suck on the sleeve of your sweater and bury my nose into the crook of your elbow"

"Rock me, please"

"I can't go to sleep and I'm so tired and I feel miserable"

"This isn't fair, whaaaaahhhhh"

And I was thinking,

"Lilli I'm right here, look here's my face and feel my hand gently rubbing your tummy"

"Go to sleep love, I know you can do it"

"Please don't cry, it makes Mummy feel awful"

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"I love you Lilli."

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Jon and I will lay awake listening to her whines, wondering when we should intervene. Sometimes, miraculously she stops and drifts back to sleep. But her favourite position for returning to sleep is on her tummy with her face down in the mattress. So begin the nights of worry over the safety of my daughter.